I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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