I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
