and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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