I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
