Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
