Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
