Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
