I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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