Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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