I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
