Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
