I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
