If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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