There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
