It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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