I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
