lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
