Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
