I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
