the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
