Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
