did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
