I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
