She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
