Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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