I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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