Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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