I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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