if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
