She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
