so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
