i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
