What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
