Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
