Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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