his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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