Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
