I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
