I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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