Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
