Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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