Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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