I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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