hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
