don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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