its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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