Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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