I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
