My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
