i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
