I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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