hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You can't special order awesome
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
